The Race to the Nut House
by pebbles1234
Summary: A country is in dire need of some interesting canidates. A scientist has an idea. What would happen if Capt. Jack Sparrow, Sweeney Todd, Willy Wonka, Edward Scissorshands, and others were forced into a race? Chaos would inevitably ensue.
1. A series of incredibly ridiculous events

**Let us see how many movies and or character I do not own. I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean I, II, or II. I also do not own Sweeney Todd or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Nor do I own Secret Window. To the best of my knowledge I do not own Edward Scissorhands. **

If this story resembles any others it is purely coincidental

_A/N: My friend and I were discussing the candidates for this year's United Sates Presidential Election. We were thinking of ridiculous candidates and Sweeney Todd and Captain Jack Sparrow came to mind. After we finished laughing hysterically at the mere idea, my friend suggested I write a fanfiction story about it. So here it is, dedicated to her. I hope you enjoy reading!_

A Race for the Nut House

Chapter 1

A series of incredibly ridiculous events

This tale must begin in a strange way, for it is indeed a strange tale. Several different men, who bore a strong resemblance to each other, were forced into a strange land and told to fight to the finish. Several of the men enjoyed fighting. The ones who didn't enjoy it, didn't stay till the finish.

We shall begin our tale in present day Famashalabac, a rather large island off the coast of Tarbapes. The people are a mass of indecision. The time has come for the candidates to be chosen for the Presidential Election. As usual, there are two predominant sides. However, the people cannot choose. They are not interested. The candidates are boring.

So, a panel of incredibly important scientists, psychologists, sociologists, and whatchamacallits were assembled in the grand ballroom of the building which has no name. It was their task to pick candidates that the people would be interested in.

They thought and thought for days upon days and nights upon nights. Then a Whatchamacallit, who was also a scientist who invented a machine of the utmost importance, stood up with the answer.

"I have the answer." He smiled wickedly and ran out of the room.

This scientist invented a machine that could transport him into any movie he wished to go. Yes, I know it sounds strange. It is, I warned you about that. Anyway, the man plugged his highly sophisticated machine into the front jacks on his television. Then, he placed one of his favorite DVD's into the player.

Once the initial credits were over, the devilishly smart Whatchamacallit stepped inside his large machine, closed the door, and pushed the 'GO' button. He laughed manically and rubbed his hands together.


	2. President Sweeney Todd?

**I do not own Sweeney Todd, Pirates of the Caribbean I, II, or II.**

Chapter 2

President Sweeney Todd?

Sweeney Todd was sitting in his barber chair with his legs spread wide apart. He was playing with his favorite razor, pulling the blade out and then pushing it back in producing a rather pleasing 'clink' sound. He was brooding over his revenge when a large machine appeared in his dreary shop.

He narrowed his eyes and looked at the man and the machine strangely. He disregarded the machine when he saw the man step out. He was rather plump, Mrs. Lovett would be exceedingly happy. He was good for at least fifty pies.

Sweeney smiled wickedly. "Here for a shave?" His eyes widened and then narrowed when he said that. The scientist shivered and grabbed his throat.

"No thank you."

Sweeney advanced on him as best he could considering the large vehicle in his small shop. When the scientist was backed up against the wall he put a finger in front of his face, the razor inches from his throat. He tried to go over the movie in his mind the best he could under the circumstances.

"If you kill me, than someone in my employ will write a letter in your name, professing your love to Mrs. Lovett, and asking for her hand in marriage."

Sweeney cringed and closed his razor, defeated.

"I'm at your disposal." He went back over to his chair and dropped his head.

The Whatchamacallit breathed a very needed sigh of relief and wiped his brow with the back of his hand.

"Mr. Todd, I have been sent by my country to ask for your assistance."

Sweeney looked up with a quizzically raised eyebrow.

The scientist swallowed hard while looking at the sadistic barber and wondered if this was in fact a good idea.

"Our country is holding its Presidential candidate primaries and well, the majority of our people of the voting age are well, apathetic. One hundred percent in fact. The candidates didn't even vote for themselves. So, I thought we needed more interesting candidates. People with more color, if you will." He looked at Sweeney Todd and decided that may have not been the best choice of words.

He coughed, adjusted his tie nervously, and proceeded. "You, Mr. Todd would be a very interesting candidate indeed. I believe you are just what our country needs."

"A politician?"

The scientist nodded and smiled.

Sweeney thought about how oily politicians were. They were a little bad for business too. Doilies aren't cheap you know.

"How long?"

"Oh four years at the most. If you get elected that is, and reelected. Two two year terms."

"Four years."

"Yes, in our world, but your own will not have changed. You will come back here, in your shop, the exact time you left it."

"That's not possible."

"It is Mr. Todd, and it's true."

"And if I don't go?"

He pointed to the floor.

Sweeny once again cringed. Mrs. Lovett was almost unbearable as she already was. If she thought he reciprocated her feelings to the degree that he would ask for her hand, she would be unbearable. Four years would give him more time to think about just how sweet his vengeance on Judge Turpin would be.

"Nothing will have changed here?"

"No."

Sweeney nodded and the scientist opened the passenger side of his incredibly useful vehicle to allow Sweeney entrance.

He then climbed into the machine and pressed the 'GO BACK' button.

They materialized in the scientist's house and both climbed out of the machine. The scientist quickly hit the power button on the television so that Sweeney would not see.

"I will have to leave your company Mr. Todd. Feel free to look about the place. You may fix yourself something to eat if you like. There is a library, if you care to read."

The scientist showed him about the large house. Before they once again approached the media/invention room, the scientist smiled at Sweeney. "I will be back momentarily." He opened the door, slipped through it, quickly closed the door and locked it behind him.

He took the musical out of the DVD player and gingerly put it back in its case. Then he pulled out three movies. They all had the same characters, but he couldn't decide which one to choose. He finally decided on the first one and inserted it into the player.

He had to wait for this one to come to a certain part. And when he did, he pressed the "GO" button, only not so as enthused as before. At least this man was crazy in a different sense than our dear friend Sweeney.


	3. President or Captain Jack Sparrow?

**Oh, my, here we go once more. I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean I, II, or III. I also do not own Sweeney Todd, Edward Scissorhands, Secret Window, or Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory. Yep, I think that's it. **

_Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers and to those who added this little tale to their story alerts. I hope you enjoy this chapter. _

Chapter 3

President or Captain Jack Sparrow?

Captain Jack Sparrow was sitting in his jail cell with his hat over his eyes trying desperately to block out the noises of the desperate men who occupied the next cell. He was just about to try and catch some shut eye when a strange man and his even stranger machine appeared in his cell.

Jack furrowed his brow and blinked. Yep, it was still there. He swayed over to it and knocked on the top of the machine. He jumped and backed up quickly when our beloved scientist opened the door of his incredible machine.

"What is that? And who are you?"

The Whatchamacallit, whose name incidentally is Albert, thought of an explanation for our dear captain.

"This is a traveling machine, it can get you out of this jail cell and into my country where you have the possibility to rule said country for a period of four years. Oh, and I'm Dr. Albert Paige."

Jack stroked his braided beard and looked at the man.

"And after the four years?"

"You will be brought back right here, not more than one second after you left."

Instead of focusing on the impossibility of this time issue he thought of something else.

"You're going to put me back in this cell? No thanks mate. I have better chances calling that bleedin' dog."

Albert sighed and decided to divulge a secret.

"You'll get out."

"How do you know?"

"Trust me, Captain Sparrow."

"I don't completely trust anyone, and how do ye know my name?"

Albert loosened his tie once more and tried to quickly think of something.

"Who hasn't heard of the infamous pirate Captain of the Black Pearl?"

Jack smirked, "True. What's in it for you, this whole King deal?"

"An excited country. People surrounding me who care. And an extreme amount of entertainment." Albert smiled to himself thinking about the upcoming debates.

"You throw in a ship and you'll have yourself a deal, mate."

"Captain Sparrow, if you get elected as leader of my country, you can have whatever you want."

Jack's eyes widened with the idea of wealth. He offered Dr Paige his grimy hand. Albert reluctantly took it.

"We have an accord." Jack smiled, revealing his gold teeth.

Dr Paige returned the gesture to the best of his ability. He opened the door for Jack.

"Thanks mate." Jack stepped in and sat back, pulling his tri cornered hat over his face. He anticipated a long ride.

Dr Albert Paige stepped into the driver's side and once he put on his seat belt he pressed the "Go Back" button once again.

During this whole exchange the men in the cell next to Jack looked on with wide eyes of wonder. When the machine disappeared one of the men said, "Some men have all the luck."

--------------------------------------------

Jack and Dr Paige stepped out of the machine and Albert once again quickly turned off the DVD player.

Before he could stop him, Jack was already exploring the room and pocketing little trinkets.

"Would you care to see the rest of the house, Captain Sparrow?"

Jack went over and put his arm around the scientist's shoulders.

"Sure thing."

Albert opened the door cautiously and stepped aside so Jack could get by.

On the tour of the house they ran into Sweeney Todd in the library. He was reading a book on medieval tortures.

Jack whispered into Albert's ear. "Odd looking bloke isn't he?"

Sweeney's eyes raged with fire.

"What?" He growled, coming at Jack with his razor.

Jack smirked and reached for his cutlass. He looked down and patted his waist when he realized he didn't have his effects. So, he looked up at Sweeney, smiled briefly, turned around and ran out of the room, his arms waving wildly.

Sweeney could already see the blood on the pirate's neck. The wild look in his dark eyes intensified as he began to follow his adversary. He began to sing in his low sweet voice:

"_Where are you going you rouge? _

_Perhaps this is just a rouse. _

_Come back here, _

_I know you are near, _

_Let Sweeney give a shave to you!" _

"Mr. Todd!" Albert shouted.

The demon barber turned around on his heels and advanced toward Albert.

"What?" The razor was held above his head.

Dr. Paige began humming the wedding march.

The fire was immediately extinguished and the barber once again became pensive. He dropped his head and slumped in a chair in the library.

"Mr. Todd. I would be extremely grateful if you didn't kill anyone while you say here. If you do, I will send you a wedding present of the utmost quality. Now, I have to go find Captain Sparrow, and then I have to leave again. Will you be all right?"

Sweeney nodded.

Dr. Paige sighed and went in search of Jack.

He found him frantically searching through the drawers in his office desk.

Jack heard someone and turned around to face them armed with a letter opener.

"Oh, it's only you." He lowered his 'weapon'. "Don't you have anything better than this here?" He asked, holding up the office supply.

"You mean weapons? Well, no."

Jack swayed over to him and held his face no more than two inches away from Albert's own.

"If you think for one solitary moment that I'm staying in the same house as that pallid crazy man without me effects than you sir, are horribly mistaken."

Albert backed up and wiped the perspiration off his forehead with his handkerchief.

"You can stay in here, Captain. I will get you some effects, as you call them, later. Mr. Todd will not harm you. He gave me his word."

"The word of a mad man can't be bloody trusted!"

Albert smiled, "I'll give you some leverage to use on him."

"Leverage?" Jack asked with a smile.

"Yes, if he bothers you just sing 'dum-dum-de-dum'."

"Dum-dum-de-dum?" Jack sang with a raised eyebrow.

Albert nodded. "He will immediately leave you alone if you sing that. I have to leave for a moment Captain. I'll return shortly."

Jack nodded and Dr. Paige once again went to his media room.


	4. President Willy Wonka?

**Here we go once more. I do not in fact own Sweeney Todd, Pirates of the Caribbean I, II, or III, it has also come to my attention that I do not own Charlie and the Chocolate Factory either. I believe that sums it up for this chapter. **

_A/N: Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers. You who review make this story worth writing. Thank you. I apologize for the lateness of this chapter. I hope you enjoy. For those of you who may not know the same actress (Helena Bonham Carter) portrays both the characters of Mrs. Bucket and Mrs. Lovett. The reason this is important will be revealed a little later in this chapter. And now without further ado:_

Chapter 4

President Willy Wonka?

Dr. Albert Paige tried to think of the best moment to enter the imaginative world of Willy Wonka. He chose the end. After all, the ending is the best part. He put the DVD in, selected the last scene and stepped into his machine.

Mr. Willy Wonka was sitting down to dinner with his favorite family when a strange machine, that bore a strong resemblance to a small helicopter, materialized onto Charlie Bucket's grandparent's bed.

"What the…..?" Grandpa George exclaimed while Mr. Bucket covered the ears of young Charlie.

Mrs. Bucket nodded to her husband once Grandpa George had finished his tirade. Mr. Bucket removed his hands and all present once again began staring at the rotund little man and his contraption.

Mr. Bucket felt that since it was _his_ house he should be the first to address their 'guest'.

"Sir?" The way in which he spoke made the simple unassuming three letter word a very demanding question.

Dr. Albert Paige stepped out of his machine and onto the floor. He brushed himself off and walked over to Mr. Bucket, extending his hand.

"I'm Dr. Albert Paige." Our good scientist said after Mr. Bucket had shaken the proffered hand.

Willy had a very unnecessary flashback when he heard the word 'Doctor'. Once the strange, faraway look left the violet eyes of our favorite chocolatier Dr. Paige continued.

"First and foremost, let me apologize for the very rude intrusion. Secondly, my country has sent me here to ask for Mr. Wonka's assistance."

All in the room turned their attention to the pale candy maker.

"Our presidential elections are upon us and I have been sent to ask Mr. Wonka to become a candidate."

Charlie's eyes grew wide and he looked at his friend. "Oh, Mr. Wonka you should help them."

Grandpa Joe kept looking at the machine. He wondered how it just appeared there without falling through the ceiling or anything.

There was a long silence. Grandma Georgina decided this would be an opportune time to throw in her two cents or half a cent, whichever.

"Grapes?"

Mrs. Bucket smiled sadly at the old woman and turned her attention back to Willy Wonka.

"But what about my factory and my workers? Those little guys trust and count on me. Very important." He stuck his right forefinger up for emphasis.

Little Charlie became very excited all the sudden. This was his opportunity to show Mr. Wonka what he had learned and what he could do.

"I can take care of the factory, Mr. Wonka."

Willy looked a little worried and was about to reply when Albert interrupted them. "It will be as if you never left, Mr. Wonka. After your stay in my country, which may be up to four years, I will bring you back here not more than one second after you leave."

Charlie looked downtrodden, Albert looked pleased, Mr. and Mrs. Bucket looked confused, Willy Wonka looked pensive, the square candies continued to look round, and Grandpa George looked angry.

"What a bunch of hooey! I've never heard such……"

Willy Wonka suddenly jumped up from his place at the table causing Grandpa George to forget his train of thought. He looked at Albert, "You mean I won't get any older for four years?" That single silver hair bothered Mr. Wonka much more than he would care to admit.

Dr. Paige smiled and nodded.

"All right Dr. Paige sir, let's boogey!"

After all the appropriate adieus were said, Mr. Wonka stepped into the scientists' machine with a flourish. After Albert got in Mrs. Bucket realized something. She quickly got Willy's hat and rushed to the machine. Willy rolled down his window and grabbed the other side of the brim. Before Mrs. Bucket could let go Dr Paige pushed the 'Go Back' button.

----------------------------

Mrs. Bucket landed with a 'thud' on the carpeted floor of Dr. Paige's media room. Albert rushed out of his side, turned off the TV and went to aid Mrs. Bucket.

"Are you alright Ma'am?"

Mrs. Bucket slowly rose and brushed herself off. She stepped aside so Willy could get out.

"I think so."

Willy took his hat from her hand (which he let go of upon their landing) and put it on his head, causing him to feel much taller.

Dr. Paige looked at Mrs. Bucket with sad eyes. "I'm afraid you are going to have to stay here Mrs. Bucket until I take Mr. Wonka back, I'm sorry."

She nodded her head understandingly. She looked at Willy, he shrugged.

"I will show you the rest of the house, please feel free to make yourselves at home."

Dr. Paige prayed that they would not happen upon a dead body on their tour. He got his wish. Instead they encountered something much more…….interesting.

When they walked into the library they saw Sweeney and Jack in what would appear to be a battle. Their arms were locked. Jack had the letter opener in his dark, dirty hand and Sweeny had his friend in his pale, clean one.

Albert sighed and coughed to make their presence known. Neither man seemed to care so Dr. Paige decided to begin the introductions. "Mr. Todd, Capt. Sparrow, this is Mr. Willy Wonka and Mrs. Bucket. Mr. Wonka and Mrs. Bucket the man with the long hair in braids is Capt. Jack Sparrow and the other man with the homicidal eyes is Mr. Sweeney Todd." He had to remind himself not to add, 'The Demon Barber of Fleet Street'.

Mr. Todd looked over, noticed Mrs. Bucket and immediately forgot about Jack. He walked menacingly toward our favorite whatchamacallit with his blade raised high in the air. Albert's eyes grew wide in fear when he realized who Mrs. Bucket looked like. Jack took Sweeney's walking away as a forfeit and was incredibly proud of himself.

Albert reached up to loosen his collar and realized there was nothing more to loosen. He backed up against the wall, the demon barber advancing on him.

The possibility of bloodshed made Willy a little queasy. "Sharp metal objects are not conducive to a pain free atmosphere."

One look from our good friend Sweeny made the amazing chocolatier hold his tongue. Mrs. Bucket moved closer to Willy. Then she realized what a silly idea that was, Mr. Wonka needed protection, he didn't give it. She looked over at the rogue pirate. He was cleaning out his fingernails with the letter opener. He could feel her eyes on him and he quickly looked up smirking at her. His face changed when he saw Mr. Wonka. His handsome features held a look of horrified disgust. He was worse than the mad skunk. (A nickname which Jack so affectionately gave Mr. Todd causing the fight we so rudely interrupted) Mrs. Bucket weighed her very limited options and decided it was best to stay with Mr. Wonka.

Albert tried to speak but before he could do so, Sweeney's razor was on his neck. The cold blade almost caused Albert to faint.

"Did you bring her here to keep me in line?" Sweeney applied a little more pressure to the blade, causing Albert's forehead to bead with nervous sweat. "You seem to be in need of a shave, sir."

"Mrs. Lovett, damn, (Dr. Paige only swore under the most dire of circumstances and he considered this one of them) I mean Mrs. Bucket, Bucket accidentally came with Mr. Wonka and me. She is not Mrs. Lovett, although I have to admit the resemblance is uncanny."

Sweeney's eyes narrowed and he looked over in Mrs. Bucket's direction. Mr. Wonka thought the demon barber was staring at him, so he immediately stepped behind Mrs. Lovett, I mean Bucket. Mrs. Bucket sighed and met the mad skunk's gaze.

Sweeney noticed this woman had some color. And her clothes were odd. The hair was also different than the woman who popped men into pies, although it was proving to be quite a good enterprise. Sweeney lowered his blade and returned it to his belt. He looked hard at Mrs. Bucket causing shivers to go up her spine. His head suddenly turned to Albert.

"Alright. But if I find out Mrs. Bucket is indeed Mrs. Lovett, I will show no mercy."

A much relieved Albert nodded and held his neck while wiping his forehead with his still damp handkerchief. Maybe he should have left the serial killers out of this brilliant idea of his.

Jack thought he might as well have a little fun while he was here and swayed over to Mrs. Bucket.

"Ello luv." He tried not to look at Willy while he talked with her, which was a little hard to do because he was still standing behind her.

"Hello." Mrs. Bucket felt extremely uncomfortable with the rogue pirate. She did have to admit he was handsome. The idea of her thinking such a thing made her blush. Jack took the blush to mean something else. You see, Capt. Jack Sparrow thought so much of himself he did not see how anyone could possibly not agree with him.

"You're not with him are you?" Jack pointed a grimy finger in the direction of Mr. Wonka.

"Ew. No." Willy stepped out from behind Mrs. Bucket and stood across from the pirate captain, albeit several feet apart. Willy was not yet ready for human contact. He was currently on step two of the thirteen step program for touchaphobes. Especially with a man who appeared as if he hadn't bathed in years.

If anyone else had said 'Ew' concerning her, Mrs. Bucket would have been highly offended.

"You don't like women?" Jack looked at the man in the purple suit with the weird bob haircut and skin as pale as ivory. The mad skunk looked better. "Or they don't like you. Is that it?"

Willy narrowed his eyes and looked at the Captain of the infamous Black Pearl. "You know, you really shouldn't mumble. I can't hear a word you're saying. Kay?"

Jack looked at Mrs. Bucket, smiled in his most ingratiating way, and put a finger to his hat before saying, "Excuse me, luv."

He swayed his way over to Albert. "You got any rum mate? I think I'll be needing it. The more the better, savvy?"

Dr. Paige sighed and nodded, his hand still grasping his neck. "I'll get you some Capt. Sparrow."

Jack smiled and swayed his drunken pirate self back over to the couch. He slumped down next to Sweeney who was once again brooding and caressing his razor in his hands. He watched as Mr. Todd held the blade up to the light coming from the chandelier in the room.

"_This is my friend, _

_See how it glistens." _

He stopped his song and turned his fierce gaze upon Jack. The singing scared Jack more than any death glare ever could.

"I have an idea mate. You stop pointing that thing at me, and I won't call you the little name I gave you, savvy?"

"Or, I could just give you the closest shave I ever gave. Keeping you from ever calling me said name again." Sweeny leaned over to the pirate, his blade in his hand.

Jack once again reached for his belt. "Bugger." Jack got up from the couch and began running around the room with Sweeney close on his heels.

Mr. Wonka and Mrs. Bucket quickly got out of their way and sat on the couch, with one cushion separating them. They were both hugging their legs to them to make themselves smaller and just in case four legs should be running wildly by the couch. Willy wondered just how clean that couch was, but at that moment he figured preservation of his neck was more important. He would bathe later.

Albert sighed and suddenly remembered something. He smiled and quickly went into another room. The room was large with knight's armor decorating it. Albert took one of the knight's swords from its stand and went back towards the library.

"Mr. Todd!" The whatchamacallit yelled, causing all eight eyes to look intently at him.

Sweeney was right behind Jack and they both stopped mid-run which made them look kind of funny. Sweeney's razor was in his hand above his head. Jack's arms were in the air, and one foot was off the gorund. Albert handed the sword to Jack, causing him to smirk and face his opponent.

Sweeney looked at Albert. "His blade's bigger than mine."

"Yes, Mr. Todd, but that is his weapon of choice. A razor is yours. Now, either both of you can hand your weapons over to me," Each man protectively moved his weapon to his chest, "Or you can keep them and not use them, because both of you will probably be killed."

Each man put away their weapon, defeated. Jack knew he would win, a razor can only do so much, even in the hands of a mad man. A sword was much better. He smiled and made his way to the couch, plopping down between Mrs. Bucket and Willy Wonka. Willy jumped off the couch and landed feet first on the floor. He tried to think of how many germs could be transmitted in a fraction of a second, the strange part was he knew the exact number. Jack knitted his brows, looked at Mr. Wonka, than shrugged his shoulders and turned his attention back to Mrs. Bucket.

"I have this ship called the Black Pearl. Beautiful ship. Do you know what a ship is, luv?"

"A way to get you from one land where the people are full of shit to a land where vermin inhabit it?" Sweeny offered as he plopped down into the arm chair, his thirsty blade finally at rest. He looked occasionally at Mrs. Bucket trying to reassure himself she was not in fact the woman who professed her love for him in no uncertain terms.

"A pink boiled sweet that is in the shape of a dragon and floats along on a chocolate river where the chocolate is mixed by waterfall?" Willy Wonka suggested excitedly, nervously giggling. He had taken a newspaper, spread it out on the armchair across from Sweeney and sat there.

Jack became agitated, all the magic was gone. "Never mind." He crossed his arms and sat back on the couch.

Mrs. Bucket felt sorry for the devilishly handsome pirate captain and tried to offer her help. "What is a ship, Capt. Sparrow?"

He perked up immediately, waving his hands to and fro as he explained it. "Its freedom. That's what a ship really is. It's not just a keel and a hull and a deck and a sail. That's what a ship is made of. But what it really is, is freedom."

The word freedom meant something different to every man in that room. To Jack Sparrow it meant the ability to go where he pleased when he pleased on his Pearl. To Willy Wonka it meant the ability to stay in his factory forever without any fears. For Sweeny Todd it was vengeance, his mind could never be free until he had his revenge. To Dr. Albert Paige, it meant getting the hell out of there.

"If you will excuse me, I must go on another errand. I trust you will all be safe here." He looked at Sweeney, who reluctantly nodded, than at Captain Sparrow who winked at him.

Dr. Paige went once more into his media room. He had those three in his mind since he had this brilliant idea of his. The fourth one he had to give a little more thought to. He looked through his DVD collection and found it. This was perfect. He smiled as he held the movie case up, then his hand recoiled when he reminded himself too much of a certain barber. He put the movie in and once more stepped into his machine.


	5. President Mort Rainey?

**I do not own Secret Window (the movie or the short story, both of which are referenced), Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Sweeney Todd, or Pirates of the Caribbean. Whew. **

_Thanks to all those who reviewed and/or added this story to their story alerts. _

Chapter 5

President Mort Rainey?

A reclusive author was lying on his couch in a tattered bathrobe taking a nap. His blind dog was beside him, sleeping with his head resting on an empty bottle of Jack Daniel's. The 'thud' that caused the dog to raise his head only caused the man to shift in his slumber.

Dr. Albert Paige brushed himself off as he stepped out of his machine. He cocked his head while he looked at the disheveled writer, wondering if adding another serial killer to the mix was really the brightest of ideas.

Our dearly beloved Whatchamacallit walked over to Mr. Rainey and patted him lightly on the shoulder.

The author awoke with a start, causing the dog to jump up and seek refuge on his chair. Mort sat up suddenly causing him an instant headache.

"Shit." He muttered as he fumbled around for his glasses. He found them on the coffee table and put them on his face. His hair was in disarray, blonde locks framing his head almost as if it were a lion's mane. It took Dr. Paige quite a bit of self discipline not to let eruptions of laughter escape his mouth.

Mort focused his eyes on the good scientist and placed his hand on the bottle his faithful friend was using as a pillow.

"Who the hell are you?" Mr. Rainey worried that Ted had hired a hit man for the hit man.

Dr. Paige stepped back as he began to explain himself. "I'm Dr. Albert Paige. My country has sent me here to ask for your help in our upcoming elections. We would like for you to become a candidate."

Mort reasoned that this was one of his alcohol mixed with Doritos and Mountain Dew induced dreams and decided to just ride it out. He let go of the bottle and pushed his hair out of his face before getting up. He walked upstairs to recover a cigarette (he didn't think it was wrong to smoke in a dream) and came back down with a book of matches before he responded.

"I can't run for office. I'm not rich enough."

Dr. Paige cautiously sat in an armchair. "It's not a matter of money…."

"It's always a matter of money, Dr. Paige." Mort took a couple puffs on his cigarette before he noticed the contraption taking up a rather large chunk of his living room.

"What is that?"

"It's like my car, only smaller." Dr. Paige smiled briefly at the man.

Mr. Rainey nodded and leaned his head back on the sofa. He thought this dream might be able to distract him from his problems for a little while, so he decided he might as well have some fun.

"What will I profit if I go with you to your country to become your leader?" Mort snickered slightly as the word leader, reminding him of bad sci-fi.

Dr. Paige had given this one a lot of thought and smiled somewhat evilly. "If you go with me Mr. Rainey, I can get rid of your problem."

Mort's head quickly turned to Dr. Paige, his brown eyes focusing on the Doctor intently. "What?"

"My country has done extensive research into your 'situation' Mr. Rainey. I know of at least one 'problem' we can, shall I say, take care of for you?"

"How?"

Albert was getting into this little game probably more than he should. He leaned forward in his chair and said in a hoarse whisper, "We have a man. Killed dozens, never been suspected. I can get him for you." Albert made a slicing motion across his throat. Then he got a sick look on his face remembering the feel of Mr. Todd's cold metal there. He sat back in his chair, trying to remedy the dizziness that suddenly overcame him.

Mort drew from his cigarette and pondered. Even seeing Ted get killed in a dream would be worth it. He imagined the blood dripping from his throat and smiled. Ted deserved it; threatening him by sending that country hick to intimidate him.

"Two problems, and you have a deal."

Albert smiled and extended his hand. "We have an accord." Mort furrowed his eyebrows but shook the hand anyway. Dr. Paige decided he needed to stop exposing himself to a certain pirate captain.

"On your return to your cabin, my _friend_ will accompany us, and he will do the job then. Is that alright, Mr. Rainey?"

Mort nodded his head.

Dr. Paige opened the passenger side of the machine and waved for Mort to come in. Once the seatbelts were on and all appendages were safely inside the vehicle, Albert joyously pushed the infamous "Go Back" button.

-----------------------------------------

Mort and Albert landed safely in the latter's media room. Dr. Paige stepped out and turned off his television before Mort could realize his living room and a very confused Chico were on the screen.

The author who could very well have been a character in one of his own books got out of the machine and surveyed his surroundings. This was very real for a dream. It didn't have the surreal Salvador Dali quality his dreams normally contained. He straightened his eyeglasses and looked at Dr. Paige.

"Is this where I'm going to stay?"

"Not exactly in here, Mr. Rainey, I will show you the rest of the house and then your room kay?" Dr Albert Paige was contracting a very rare disease. It is not yet named in the modern journal of Psychiatry but it involves mimicking characters one has prolonged exposure to. These characters are usually similar in some ways and very different in others. Dr. Paige often noted when the disease reared its ugly head as most do, initially. Then, the inevitable happens. The character mimicry becomes more and more frequent, and the victim does not even realize the similarities between themselves and the character. (This has been known to happen in households that have been overexposed to the character of one Captain Jack Sparrow. Words such as 'Savvy' and 'Bugger' appear when pre Jack Sparrow they would never have been thought of).

Mort nodded slowly and looked at the remains of his cigarette. He needed more. He figured if you couldn't smoke the shit out of a pack of cigarettes in a dream when the hell could you?

They began their tour in the usual fashion, the newly brought in character unaware of the insanity that lay behind one of the mansion's closed doors.

Dr. Paige took a deep breath when he reached the door of the library. He released his breath and opened the door.

"And the waterfall mixes the chocolate makes it light and frothy." The candy maker's violet eyes lit up when he spoke of his beloved factory. His comment was directed at Jack, whose brow was furrowed in frustration and his grimy hand caressing the hilt of his sword that was tucked safely away in his belt.

"You already said that mate, TWICE!" The intensity of his voice caused Mrs. Bucket to jump a little. She was already on edge due to the fact Mr. Todd had been continuously staring at her while he was fondling his blade since Dr. Paige's departure.

When Albert cleared his throat all present in the library looked at him. Jack was sitting on the couch next to Mrs. Bucket while Sweeney and Willy were sitting in the two arm chairs, Willy safe and germ free on his newspaper.

Mort looked at the sight before him and realized nothing this bizarre could happen in real life. If he had any doubt this wasn't a dream before, the strange characters in the room reinforced the belief it had to be. He noticed the men looked like him, and the one looked like a man from a popular movie, but he couldn't remember which one.

"Mr. Rainey, the man in the armchair without the top hat is Mr. Sweeney Todd."

Mort knew that name. What was it? Oh yeah, a play, a musical, a… "The Demon Barber of Fleet Street?" He asked, not really expecting an answer. He wondered why he would dream about him. And this guy, who resembled him ten shades paler with a skunk on his head, did not look like any actor he could remember in the play.

Dr. Paige didn't think about Mort knowing about these characters. He could have kicked himself.

Sweeny closed his razor and looked at the successful homicidal author, "What did you call me?" Mr. Todd was not fond of nicknames.

"Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. You're a barber right? In Fleet Street?" Mort had to admit, this dream was highly entertaining.

Mr. Todd walked menacingly toward the writer. "How'd you know that?"

For some reason Mort could not explain, he really wished he had a screwdriver. Even though he realized this whole scenario was factious he was somewhat afraid of the demon barber. "He told me." He pointed to Dr. Paige.

Sweeney's murderous gaze turned from Mr. Rainey to Dr. Paige, "You gave me that name?"

Albert didn't know what to do. Then Captain Jack Sparrow stepped in. "Cheer up mate, it's better than mad skunk right?" He swayed his way over to the trio, his hand never leaving the handle of his precious sword.

"Pay no attention to him mate, he's a bit crazy if you know what I mean."

Sweeney became enraged and with a single motion put his cool razor on Jack's hot throat, their faces inches apart.

"We all deserve to die, even you Captain Sparrow even I."

The demon barber's songs were becoming incredibly annoying to Jack. A bloke can only take so much.

Mort remembered that song. He took Amy to see the play. They hummed the tunes all the way home. That was way before Ted.

"The lives of the wicked should be made brief, for the rest of us of death will be a relief." He sung beneath his breath, his eyes becoming filled with salt water at the memory. God, he hated that shithead Ted.

Sweeney's attention turned from Jack to Mort. Jack took the opportunity to draw his sword and position it below Sweeney's chin, the point digging slightly into his flesh. Jack smirked at the barber as they simultaneously backed away from each other.

Dr. Paige was somewhat accustomed to this behavior and decided to continue with the introductions.

Sweeney decided to give up on the investigation of the nickname mainly because he liked it thoroughly. He resumed his seat and his brooding.

"This is Captain Jack Sparrow. Capt. Sparrow, Mort Rainey."

"Ello mate." Jack stuck out his hand cordially.

Mort begrudgingly shook it. He remembered the movie that man was in, it was a big hit. He wondered why he never noticed he looked like the infamous pirate captain before. Maybe he didn't, maybe the similarities were just in his dream. That was it.

Mrs. Bucket made her way over to the newcomer, filled with hope because he looked somewhat sane. Normal, she would put it.

"Mr. Rainey, this is Mrs. Bucket."

Mrs. Bucket nodded at him and smiled. Mort did the same, Bucket, the name sounded familiar.

"And that man over there on the newspaper is Mr. Willy Wonka."

That's where the name came from. He liked that book. He smiled a little. Willy Wonka extended his purple handed glove, thought better of it, and recoiled his hand causing a 'squeak'.

Willy Wonka looked like him too, except the dark handsome eyes were replaced with violet ones.

"Very pleased to meet you Mr. Rainey sir." He smiled, revealing all his perfect teeth. He got up with a flourish (for he could get up no other way) and made his way over to the party, minus Mr. Todd of course.

Mort knew why he was a writer; his mind could come up with some crazy shit. He smiled the best he could, ran his hand through his hair, and wiped his hands on his tattered bathrobe. He was really craving some tobacco and Mountain Dew.

Mrs. Bucket turned on her heels and sat back down on the couch. Jack took his opportunity and followed her. Willy also resumed his seat on the clean newspapers. Mort walked around the room looking at the various books. His eyes settled on a collection of short stories by one Stephen King. It looked interesting.

When he flipped to a certain story he dropped the book and backed away from it as if it were on fire. "Shit."

"Cursing is not conducive to a PG atmosphere." Willy piped up, causing Mort to give Willy a look that mortified him.

Sweeney liked this man better because of his vocabulary, he stopped looking at Mrs. Bucket (much to the poor woman's relief) and focused his attention on the confused writer.

Mort picked the book back up and continued to read. "Shit, shit, shit. This is me. This isn't my story, but it's about my story." Before he could get to the ending where he was in fact Shooter (or was he?), Dr Paige snatched the book away, wiping his brow.

"Mr. Rainey, this is nothing more than a member of my team playing around. I'm sorry. I told you we have done quite a bit of research into your situation, and this was just a narrative one of my colleagues came up with.

"It a book."

"Yes, unfortunately he published it before I could stop him."

Mort wondered why he felt he had to make sense of his dreams. He put his hand in his hair and looked at the scientist. "Have a pack of cigarettes?"

Willy heard the word cigarettes and his stomach turned, they tasted awful. Almost as bad as those darn green caterpillars.

Jack was pondering how he could persuade the rest of the people in the room to band with him against the mad skunk. If anyone could form allegiances just for his purpose in basically no time at all, it was Captain Jack Sparrow.

He smiled in his most endearing way at Mrs. Bucket, causing the very married lady to blush. Jack did have a way with women. Even if they slapped him in the end. Middle. Beginning. Whatever. She could be an integral part of his plan, the mad skunk did seem to have some sort of obsession with her.

Dr. Paige made a mental note of all the things he had to buy. Rum, matches, and cigarettes. He had to make two more voyages, both of which he felt he would enjoy thoroughly. Then, he would compile a list and make a very quick trip to the store. Then, the fun would begin. He smiled, causing Mort to worry about the host of his dream's sanity.

"I will get you some Mr. Rainey, I promise. When I come back after I come back, savvy?"

Jack's head turned around at the use of his word, causing his braids to hit Mrs. Bucket in the face. "Sorry, Luv."

"Quite alright, Capt. Sparrow." She pulled a black hair from her mouth and smiled at him.

"What the hell does savvy mean?" Mort asked, with a confused and yet somewhat angered countenance.

Jack got up and swayed over to them. "It means understand. Good word really, French with Latin roots."

Mr. Rainey furrowed his brow, sighed and slumped against one of the bookcases, allowing himself to slide down until he was sitting on the floor. His legs were spread apart and he was in dire need of a cigarette. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep within a dream. Maybe he would wake up on his couch. He could only hope.

Sweeney looked at the man's exposed neck and was sorely tempted. His grip tightened on his razor. An evil glint appeared in his eye. Albert noticed and addressed Jack.

"If Mr. Rainey is still alive when I get back, there's an extra bottle of rum in it for you."

Jack smirked and patted the hilt of his sword. "You have yourself a deal mate."

Albert felt that all in the room would be somewhat safe and decided to retrieve his newest candidate. He walked over to the door.

"I will return shortly."

He left the library and returned to his media room. He pulled out the DVD of choice and set it in the player. This man would be far less likely to kill him then the others, although he did have a horribly contagious disease, Romanticism.

------------------------------------

_A/N: Thanks for reading! Can anyone guess who the next candidate will be? There are two more chapters to go before the primaries start. Unfortunately we will lose two characters when the running mates are chosen. I would love to hear your ideas about running mates, I have not decided on them yet. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and reviews are always greatly appreciated!_


	6. Prsident Don Juan?

**I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean, Don Juan De Marco, Secret Window, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, or Sweeney Todd. **

_A/N: First and foremost I have to thank all of my wonderful reviewers and readers. Secondly, I must apologize for how long it has taken me to update. Now, without further ado, here is chapter six:_

**Chapter 6**

President Don Juan De Marco?

An imaginative mind is a wonderful thing. It allows the person who has the privilege to own it entrance into other worlds. It allows a man to view a mental institution as the Villa of one Don Octavio de Flores. It allows stories to be created, giving an old tired man a new lust for life. These stories can be true accounts or total fabrications. Either way, they enchant and captivate the listener. Don Juan de Marco often escaped into the beauty that was his mind because he had no other way out.

The day was cold, tired, and listless, much like every day in this large, white Villa. The man who wore a mask to hide his shame was lying in his small bed awaiting one of the nurses to take him to Don Octavio when a strange machine materialized onto the floor. The greatest lover in the world got up and stood face to face with our dear Watchmacallit who had already exited the machine.

"Who are you?" The handsome young man asked in his charming Spanish/Mexican/New York/ Arizonan accent.

The scientist thought his real name was far too boring for the great romantic so he decided to embellish it a little. "I am Don Alberto de Famashalabac."

"De Que?"

"De Fam, for short."

"What are you doing in Don Octavio's villa, Don Alberto?"

"I am here to enlist your aid Don Juan. The country of my people have heard of your exploits and would like for you to possibly lead our country."

"Si, many have heard of me. Without question I would lead a country well, however, this villa is a fortress, I don't see how I could go with you." He put his arms out motioning to the walls around them.

Dr. Paige stepped over to the machine and patted the top. "This will get us out."

"What is it?"

"My invention, it will take us out of here and into my country."

"If I go with you Don Alberto, I will require a mask, they took mine away."

"Dr. Paige nodded. "Of course, as soon as we arrive."

"How close is your country to Eros?"

Albert really didn't know. "Not far."

Don Juan smiled and extended his arm. "Lead the way, Don Alberto de Fam."

Dr. Paige smiled and opened the door for the great romantic and then made his way to the other side of the contraption.

Before Dr. Paige could press the now infamous 'go back' button Don Juan asked a very important question. To him anyway.

"Are there women in your country?"

Dr. Paige knew that women made up exactly 49.6 of his country's population. When he answered he stole a little of Mr. Todd's verse. "Yes, lots of pretty women, combing out their hair, pretty women blowing out candles, sitting in the window, pretty women."

The most romantic man in the world said a very unromantic thing. "A simple Si would have sufficed Don Alberto."

Dr Paige shrugged and pressed his favorite button.

Don Alberto De Fam and Don Juan De Marco made a very safe landing in the former's media room. The elder member of the duo quickly exited the vehicle and once again turned off the TV.

Don Juan De Marco stepped out of the machine and surveyed his surroundings. "Is this your villa?"

"Si." (The disease was affecting Dr. Paige's speech more and more frequently) "And it is all at your disposal Señor De Marco."

"Gracias, Señor, you are a very gracious host indeed." He bowed and Dr. Paige returned the gesture.

Albert was giving our hopelessly romantic romantic the tour when he stopped at the library door. He wiped his face with anticipation and pressed down on the lever to allow them entrance.

The scene before them was quite one to behold.

Mort Rainey was chasing Mr. Wonka around the room holding Jack's abandoned letter opener in his hand.

"Come back here, Mr. Wonka, I won't lay a hand on you I swear." Those words coming from Mort's mouth were dressed with a Southern accent.

Willy just kept running in circles, his eyes wide with fear.

Jack was leaning against the bookcase with a grin on his face. His eyes full of amusement because of the scene in front of him. He was actually glad to see the pale candy maker being chased. He had heard about a certain waterfall once too many times.

Sweeney was intently staring at Mrs. Bucket who couldn't help but squirm under the gaze.

Don Juan's eyes immediately went to her. What could one last conquest hurt?

Albert sluggishly went to one of the bookcases, pulled out one of his unabridged dictionaries, waited for Mr. Wonka to run by him and then held out the large book at arm's length.

'SMACK!'

Mort Rainey ran smack dab into the book, causing him to fall backwards onto the floor unconscious.

Wily stopped and looked at the fallen author behind him. He smiled evilly and made his way back to his newspaper covered chair.

Jack's face held a look of disappointment as he swayed his way back to Mrs. Bucket.

He frowned when he saw his spot had been taken by a, he had to admit, handsome man.

"Who are you?" Jack demanded, his arms waving wildly.

Sweeney's view was obstructed by the pirate captain so he got up from his chair and began pacing about the room, his razor opening and closing by his nimble fingers.

The young man stood up and bowed. "I am Don Juan De Marco."

Mort woke up to hear the man's introduction and went to investigate. He wondered why his head hurt so damn bad.

"Don Juan?" He asked quizzically, taking off his glasses and wiping them on his housecoat.

"You have heard of me."

Mort noticed how handsome this version of himself was and felt proud somehow. He nodded and sat down on the couch on the other side of Mrs. Bucket.

There was one seat left. Albert found this situation highly entertaining. Mr. Todd saw it as a way to annoy the pirate Captain. He brushed past both tan men quickly and took the only available seat next to Mrs. Bucket. He 'clinked' his razor and grinned evilly.

Jack and Don Juan looked at each other and the competition had begun. They knew instantly the other was a lover.

Don Juan knew he could win number wise. No man could beat over 1000. But that wasn't the point.

Albert interrupted the lover's thoughts when he began yet another round of introductions. He walked in-between Jack and Don Juan, interrupting their staring contest.

"Señor Marco, this is Captain Jack Sparrow, Mr. Sweeny Todd, Mrs." (He emphasized the Misses, but he forgot how that title didn't sway either the Captain's or the Lover's affections) "Bucket, Mr. Mort Rainey, and last but most certainly not least, Mr. Willy Wonka."

Everyone nodded accordingly. Mrs. Bucket did so nervously. Mainly because she was sitting between a man who appeared to be sane but just recently was chasing her benefactor around the room with a letter opener and a man who was in love with a razor.

"Gentlemen, and lady, this is Don Juan De Marco, the greatest lover in the world." The subtitle slipped out.

Jack narrowed his eyes and grinned. He would have a little contest with this bloke. And he would win.

Mrs. Bucket sighed. She didn't know how many more affections she could handle.

Sweeney needed something to entertain him. There was no opportunity for blood here, no nothing. He had to admit though, he did like to brood. "You silly man, don't you know half the fun is to plan the plan?" He sang her words under his breath and looked at Mrs. Bucket. He sighed. Somewhere deep inside, albeit way down, a tiny bit of the demon barber missed Mrs. Lovett.

Albert felt he needed a little rest before going to ask another candidate to in fact be a candidate. He sat in an armchair and rested his head on the back.

Sweeney noticed he was in the perfect position for a shave. He turned to Mrs. Bucket, "Do you know how to bake?" Before she could answer Dr. Paige lifted his head and gazed murderously at the demon barber. For a moment his fear subsided and his anger erupted.

"If you plan to use me to help make a pie Mr. Todd I must remind you that without my aid you will not be able to claim your revenge." The anger left his eyes and the Watchamacallit laid his head back.

Meanwhile Jack had taken Don Juan aside to propose a contest.

"Look mate, here's the terms, whoever can make Mrs. Bucket fall in love with them wins, savvy?"

Don Juan stroked his beard before answering. "The lady's love will be our reward?"

Jack wasn't really expecting that question. "Ah, yeah, and the satisfaction of winning. Being the better man, so to speak."

"We will know which one of us she loves when our voice in her ear makes her shudder." He looked hard at the pirate captain and stole a glance at the demon barber, "And not from fear."

"How do you know he difference?"

Don Juan looked at him with an air of superiority. "I know, and I never cheat. If I see she reacts to your touch the way my many lovers have responded to mine. I will pronounce you the winner without a moment's hesitation."

Jack nodded, he trusted this man for some reason and stuck out his hand. "We have an accord."

Albert opened his eyes and decided it was time to retrieve the last candidate. This one wasn't the least bit dangerous, unless of course you tried to shake his hand.

Dr. Paige got up and addressed his 'guests'. "I am leaving for a moment. After I return I will go out and purchase the various items you requested." He gave them all a nod and left the room.


End file.
